The shame I felt as an adult, finally in touch with reality, ran deep. Shame caused by the realization that I had allowed myself to be brainwashed into the fantsy and lies of beleiving in a non-existant being with fantasy powers. In reality; those fantasy powers were the powers of the human mind rooted in the subconcious mind. I studied that concept quite a bit, enough to be highly confident that the concept is true and correct. Prayer works exactly on this concept. When you pray, you are essentially placing demands on yourself to beleive that the thing you’re praying for, will actually come to be. Otherwise known the power of positive thinking, and if you concentrate on this beleif often enough,and long enough, it will become internalized. Just as anything you learn, from enough repetition, it becomes a part of your natural psyche.
As a child, I was born to a catholic mom, my dad; who knows what he beleived, he wasn’t allowed to speak of it. At that time, catholics were required to get special permission to marry outside out of catholisism, and both parents had to promise or swear to raise the children as catholic, and to speak of no other religions. ( My take on this was that catholics wre afraid of competition. Since all the evidence I saw, pointed to it being a social and financial organization). Every sunday we were required under ‘pain of sin’ to attend the fifty-minute magical fantasy of a human male having the mystical power to turn unleavened wafers and wine into the blood and flesh of the christ. Shame on me for even entertaining the thought that this could be real, as they tried to teach us that it was. In my later “tween years” sometime between 10-13 yrs of age, I actually became an alter boy and was in charge of ringing the bells and pouring the wine for the preist as he was performing his magic show. Thankfully, however, I never fell prey to any abuse other than verbal abuse. The worst abuse I ever experienced from a member of the clergy was from a nun in the sixth grade when I demanded an answer to a question that could probably construed as going against catholic teaching. This nun ran out of answers and patience, and punched me in the jaw, wich dis-located my jaw. Naturally my parents took no action except to give me one hell of a smacking-around because I had to be the one who smarted – off to the nun.
My teen years were spent trying to find myself and trying to fit into the real world , this was probably the hardest thing I ever tried to do, reality was only a distant dream, and something I knew nothing about. Eventually I gave up on trying to fit in and turned to drugs and alcohol,wich only made things worse, thankfully I still had some presense of mind so sas not to do anything hateful or criminal, I guess my strict rearing had something to do with that. By the time I turned twenty I was making loads of money in the oilfeild and oil related businesses. I pushed the drugs away, and began to cultivate some responsibility and accountability for myself. However I still liked to tie-one-on with beer and various types of alcohol during my off-days. Living the typical “oilfeild-cow-boy” lifestyle,pockets full of cash and as many women as I could hold onto at one time. This soon began to look like a dead-end road, the outlandish spending on partying and alcohol ,both were taking their toll on my self-esteem and my health.
In my thirties I felt the urge to try to return to some kind of religion, just maybe this could help me find some sanity and stability. By chance, I then ran into a freind from my early years in the oilfeild who had seen the light, and started a baptist church, this was right up my alley. It started well ,but eventually he showed his true colors; preach it, but dont really live it. I was determined to find the truth and the real thing so I moved on. One day I was eating in a family type restaruant, sitting alone, several women my age sat at table the next to me. one of them said hi, I replied hi back to her, the next words she said was: “I was where you are, and I know what you need” I just smiled because she looked different than most people, Long dress, tight lace collar, and you could see that her hair was long but rolled on top of her head……….my gut told me she wasn’t trying to pick me up. As it turned out, she was trying to get me to her church, and even offered to give me a ride. I guess she was afraid I wouldn’t show up so I agreed. The main reason I agreed were the first words she spoke, I was stunned by those words, how could she know the search I was in for the real thing. With that sense of discernment, she must have the real thing, I thought. I whent to the church that night for evening services, three hours, not the usual catholic fifty minutes. I was impressed with the devotion, but I must also say that I was terrified at the same time. Before service bagan people were walking, some were running and bouncing off of the walls, but most of them were “praying” very loudly ,very very loudly; speaking in tounges, clapping and voicing their praises to the lord.
Again, eventually the reality of the hypocracy became all too evident, I would venture to say that less than 10 % were actually living it. And this was a LARGE church, hundreds of memebers. Some were there to enhance their businesses,some were there for social reasons, and some were there simply because they were born into it. I became very close plutonic freinds with the woman who brought me into it. Anything more was impossible, because she was in a commited relationship with a man who was serving time for manslaughter. I guess there was a lesson for me in that, but I blinded my self to it, the main reason that comes to mind is that I was lost in that religious fog again. However, meanwhile I met my first wife, what could be safer than marrying someone you met in church? Hmph..quite a few things, I guess. The marriage lasted a couple of years, I worked hard and she spent a lot of money on cheap junk, lots of cheap junk. I let that go untill our sex-life died a slow and agonizing death, I eventually learned she was attending sex parties at another couples appartment in the neighborhood. How I survived that, I can’t even tell you, because I really don’t know. I sunk to the lowest point I can recall. Alcohol became my best freind, again. I was in my mid-thirties when I met my current wife, she has health problems but we just celebrated our 24th anniversary this july,(BTW neither of drink or use any thing not prescribed by our doctors) and will be together untill one of us passes on. Oh, I met her in a dance-hall, while I was trying to recover from my divorce. That was 25 years ago.
I guess the main point is that a person who can be so lame minded and brain-wshed into beleiving in a non-existant fantasy being, with super human powers , can be made to beleive anything. This my freinds, is the same concept that fox noise uses to convince the lame-minded to beleive their lies, it is the same concept the tea-party uses to convince the lame-minded to beleive their lies. People like bachman,perry, pawlenty, all republicans, for that matter, use the same concept to mislead their followers. And being of little or no conciense, they are very proficient liars. Radical muslims ,the taliban, alqueda, jim jones in geuyanna, led masses to their own suicides using this concept. David koresh and his branch dividians, used this concept to bring their followers to their own suicides,or murders, or however you wish to see it. I hope you’re getting the point. The extreme religous right use this concept to instill fear and hatred, into what ordinarilly, would be well-meaning people. These well-meaning people will eventually destroy everything that makes this the greatest country in the entire world. We can’t allow it to happen. We must work together to bring those people back to the truth and reality. We must speak up and speak the truth every chance we get, also we can’t continue to preach to the choir, we have to take the message of reality to those who really need to hear it. Let’s get to work……………………PLEASE.